Home life

I had written this about three months ago, and love how I put my thoughts and feelings into this, so I wanted to share, I called it "Home Life"

Dreams of love, kissing, marriage, pregnancy, it's getting stronger and stronger. Why? Why am I dreaming about these things? Sitting at home I play video games, text friends, and eat. It's a wonder I haven't gained 20 pounds. Each day I ask myself, who am I? What is my worth? What is my purpose? 

I get called to teach a class a few days before Sunday. I study and prepare to wake up feeling extremely nautious.  I receive a blessing. Because of my ill state, I did not remember much. But I did remember thinking, he's heard all my weekly prayers. I was once again told that I have a strong body that can and will heal. And that I will come to regain my self confidence. 

What are words on a page? A story? History? Truth? Fiction? Promise of truth being revealed if only I would read. Read what? Harry potter? Twilight? No. Turn to the words of God. The scriptures are my light at the end of the tunnel. 

Languages surround my future. I dream of sign language, and called to a Portuguese mission. A year off and on working on Russian, right over my head. Two years of homeschooling Spanish... That flew even faster over my head. Two years of high school of French. In one ear, out the other. Languages have never been my cup of tea. 6 weeks at the MTC (missionary training center - located in Provo, UT), and I end up being able to pray, have short conversations, and somewhat read Portuguese. The spirit guides, lifts, helps and leads me as I do my part in studying the language. 

The natural man seems to be getting ahold of my desires. Where has my motivation gone? Why don't I study and ponder the scriptures everyday? Why don't I study my language more through the programs given to me and through friends who know the language? Why don't I do more with the sister missionaries? Or do my own missionary work? What's so important about video games? Tv shows? Movies? Card games? Internet shopping? Daydreaming? Nothing. I need to reevaluate my priorities. Find my motivation. I need to find more time for Portuguese, the Lord's work, family time, scriptures, etc. 

Dreams of love, kissing, marriage, pregnancy, it's getting stronger and stronger. Why? Why am I dreaming about these things? Because the adversary is working so hard to make me want to stay home, head off to college and never return back on my mission. I have wondered if the São Paulo brazil mission was in my path. If it was something I needed to do. Multiple times I have received the answer that it is something I need to do. God has and still continues to do do much for me! Why not dedicate two years of my life specifically for him? Not only that, but continue God's work throughout my life?