Nightly Observation

          So many things are running through my mind I don't even know where to begin. I sit and Ponder where my life is and what it has in store. How do I move forward and what is my next step?   
          Since I was a little girl I've dreamed of true love and happily ever Afters. To have the perfect body and to have the perfect family. You never know what is in store -  you hope and dream that your wishes come true.

          I have led a life that has been unpredictable and has had so many obstacles that I've had to climb over. So many people I've met growing a relationship with and some created an everlasting friendship; while others, disappear into my past. There have been times where I felt like I couldn't move forward while there are other times I feel like nothing could stop me in the world. All the people I've met, all the opportunities I've been through and accepted and all the trials I've overcome. It all boils down to one single life.

          There's so many lessons that I've learned and so many trials that have made me into the person I am today. Sometimes I feel like I failed well as others times I feel like I've succeeded better than I ever thought I could. There are time when I talk to others that I feel like I'm not alone. Yet at the same time it feels like no one understands. Sometimes I feel like I'm supposed to know things. Like I'm supposed to read the next page in the Book of my life; but, I'm left to realize that the next page is ripped out and the next few pages after that are blank. I'm okay with writing my life. I'm okay with making decisions I have to make; but, sometimes I look back and I wonder if I've made the right decisions. What about dreams that I have had in my head? What about the hopes and dreams that I want for my future? Did I make a mistake? Did I choose the wrong path? What happens now? Talents, hobbies and jobs all seem to intertwine. Sometimes you have to realize you have to make a decision and hope for the best that it will all work out.

          I don't have the perfect body. I don't have the perfect life. But I have a perfect faith.. what I don't see, I know is in the hands of the all-powerful God who is my Father in heaven and has a plan for me. Though I might lose hope, my faith never wavers. I want that life I have dreamed about since I was young. I've been promised certain blessings that I know one day I'll receive; but, my impatience grows thin as time continues to move forward. I may not have the perfect patience. I may not have the perfect body or the perfect smile or the perfect teeth or the perfect vision; but, I have a faith that is unwavering that no one can shake. Even if I don't always get what I want in the time frame that I see and desire, I know it all work out in the end.

          I'm told to count my blessings to see the good in each day. And I see small increments that make a difference in my life. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just being too picky. Am I looking for more than what I should? Is my vision too big? What kind of vision should I move forward with? I'm learning everyday new things that pertain to me in my life, who I am becoming, who I should be and who I am now. I know that it's through the trials and obstacles that I've had to work through that has made me into the woman that I am today. And I know that a big part of that is how my Father wants me to be who he needs me to be and who he is shaping me to become. I know my family has great expectations of me and has high hopes and dreams for me. They've been through their own experiences, trials and obstacles and are still continuing to learn and grow from them. I know this whole life on Earth is all about learning, growing and becoming more like Christ.

          Am I just too big of a dreamer? Do I not realize what reality is and what it should be and be able to tell the difference between my head and what's in front of my nose? I see and Hope for a future full of love, family and growth. And I know parts of that are full and true and will come to pass. As time goes on I have learned things between my mental health and my physical capabilities. I know I have limitations; but, it's all in my perspective. If I allow them to limit me and bring me down then I'll never grow and I'll never succeed. There's so much in my head and it's very difficult to get it all out sometimes. I wonder if it will even happen and that's when my heart screams to stop doubting. I have so much in store for me and I have so much I have accomplished. What kind of example am I if I put my doubt above my faith?

          Every time I think about my family, I think about my sister. Who she is and why she is the woman that she is today. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been there,things would have turned out better for her. I am the oldest of five. For a small moment I was there watching them and helping them grow up. They're all together while I'm on the other side of the country. I feel like I have no part in their lives. I feel like I have no influence. How am I supposed to help A Million Miles Away? They're my family and yet it seems I have no part in their lives. A text here and there or call in between has only a glimpse into the lives that they are living. Why can't I feel more of a accomplishment than a failure?

          There's been many things that I've succeeded in and in many ways I have failed. Thankfully we have the atonement which is there to help correct our wrongs. I wish I understood more of the plan that's before me. I see a glimpse With the blessings received; but, who am I in this big big world? Each day I move forward as a robot is instructed to do certain things it feels like my days just are repetitive and nothing changes. What difference am I making? What path am I leading?

          I gave blood for the first time today. It was exhilarating and scary. I pushed past a fear and though it was scary I did it. Yes towards the end, my body reacted in a way that was unexpected. But I know that because of my actions I was able to help someone who might need my blood. I want to make a difference in this world.
         I love filming and catching special moments I feel like I've made a mistake. How am I to know that this was the right choice? What would have been different if I chose to go in a different direction? Would I have ended up here? Would Las Vegas pulled me?

          I know I can't control everything that happens whether it's my emotions, the events in my life, or the people that come into and/or out of my life. As I live here in Vegas I have a small group of friends that mean the world to me. Some girls, some guys... but it seems friendship is only the answer to all. Will I ever meet the one? Will I ever Venture into that next chapter? I'm told yes and I'm told to wait and be patient - that is just around the corner. I feel it in my soul as it just lingers on. But how am I supposed to feel and know when everything is pointing in the direction that it won't happen. I was told a year ago that it's going to happen. I was told so long ago that it was soon. But what is soon? I need to know more in my timeline. Or is that just my impatience talking? What faith do I have if I question the plan that has been laid before me.?

          Tears stream down my face as I look up towards the heavens and ask for help to deal with one more day in this ordinary life. To know that I'm making the right decisions and being who He needs to me to be for the people around me. Sometimes I wonder if He keeps me single to be able to do more of his work; which, to a degree I don't mind. But it comes to a point where I wonder how long will he keep me single? Selfishly I ask to go into that next chapter in my life. I feel like I've broken many hearts and may have hurt feelings. I only want what's best for everybody. I know I can't make everybody happy; but, I can do my darn hardest.

          It is getting late so I know I must fall asleep into the dreams of my heart. But what is just my mind and what is actual revelation? I sit and Ponder my life, my friends, my family and the opportunities that have been placed before me. I have so much to be grateful for. So why am I filled with flushed cheeks as tears are streaming down my face? I linger towards the future I dream and hope to have. The promises that have been laid in my path that I feel is just around the corner. What does that mean? This year or next? Or does it mean a few down the line?

          I have my family, close friends, and my cat who I love dearly. I have a roof over my head and food to fill the belly. I have talents beyond more than I could have asked for. Between musical opportunities such as piano, singing and dancing. Then there's my writing that has increased over the years between Journal writing, poetry and just simple notes. I have the talent of a creative eye behind the camera, whether it's photography or videography. I have an open heart and the ability to be comfortable with public speaking, performing in front of crowds or even going up in meeting strangers even though my heart and stomach flutters with butterflies. There are people placed in my life that have been such a big blessing. Whether they have helped me through a trial or just given that smile that I needed. I still have so much to learn and so much to become. I know that it's through the people that I have in my life right now that are going to get me through all of it. Heavenly Father has placed many miracles in my life. Between the people I meet or personal revelation.

          The Night comes to an end and I must bid thee farewell as I drift off to dreamland to see where my help lies. Who will be the man of my dreams? How many children will I have? What leadership positions will I be able to have and how many people's lives will I be able to influence?
          As my mind grows tired I feel more emotional. I miss my family. I long for the dreams of my heart. I hope that I'll be able to help many people in my life who I have and will meet. Eternal blessings wait as I faithfully endure the time that is left.

          Goodnight and farewell until next time My eyes droop As The Moon Rises. Will the next day be the same as yesterday? Or will there be an opportunity That's filled with excitement? Sweet dreams and goodnight until next time.