My whole life I’ve wanted a big family. I’ve always said that I wanted to start young and get a big family started. At the same time I always said after I get married I wanted to wait 6 months to a year before having children so I could have time with my husband before changing our lives in a big way. Brandon and I had talked much about this and agreed very strongly that this was the direction we wanted to take. We got married and talked about how much we did not want a honeymoon baby. I felt very strongly about this and personally did not feel mentally or physically ready to have a baby.
We had a couple weeks after our wedding before our honeymoon. Within this time I was given a couple blessings that mentioned how I need to be prepared for motherhood sooner than I had planned. It was then that Brandon and I started talking about how we just wouldn’t wait any longer than the 6 months mark. We had also discussed how we wanted to move to Gainesville Florida since there’s a condo there we could move into. It would not only help us save money since my parents own it; but, it would also put us closer to my family for when we start our own. I don’t want to go through my first pregnancy and child without my parents. So it was settled, as long as we could get the money to move, we would head out to Gainesville, FL around August or September of 2019; and, we would wait to have kids until we moved to Florida. That would give us 4-5 months which is pretty close to our timeline. Then we would start trying and see how it went from there. Then something unexpected changed.
Right before the cruise I was given another priesthood blessing which told me to keep my eyes open to motherhood and went on to discuss how things will happen quickly. With feeling very adamant that I wasn’t ready to start trying for kids I said some prayers asking that if we needed to start trying very soon (sooner than we had planned) to help my feelings have a change of heart. The week of the cruise was incredible; but, I realized something the day we were packing up and leaving. Brandon had mentioned the idea of starting for kids in a couple weeks to a month. At first I was immediately against the idea but as the day started moving on the idea of kids wouldn’t leave my thoughts. It was just nagging and nagging at me. I tried to push the idea away but it just wouldn’t leave. By the end of the day I felt exhausted. It was like when you miss a couple weeks of church and you just have that nagging feeling inside of you saying you need to get back to church as soon as possible. I talked to Brandon about it. I had the egging feeling to start a family. It was a scary yet exciting feeling. I didn’t exactly know how to feel at the moment.
We arrived at Brandon’s family’s home after the cruise. His family went out to see a movie and we stayed back. While watching our own movie, I had this strong urge to say a prayer together regarding children. My emotions were overwhelming. As I prayed I asked for direction to know if we needed to start trying to have kids. After the prayer Brandon and I talked and we came to the conclusion that we needed direct guidance from Heavenly Father. Before we even prayed Brandon said he felt very strongly that he needed to give me a blessing in this regard. While we were talking I started feeling a little down as a big part of me was really hoping that we would be told yes, to start having kids. It was then that I realized a large part of me felt ready and really wanted to be told to have kids. I also felt nervous and scared. Are we ready? Will we be financially prepared? What about moving to Florida in waiting to have kids? Are we ready to change our lives upside down? After all, this is a life changing change. We had JUST changed our lives in a big way by getting married. A lot of big changes have been happening; between, getting married, new jobs, and more. Did we really want to change our lives even more with this? While I was thinking this, the thought came to me that it wasn’t about MY timing. It’s about God’s timing. These are HIS children I would be bringing into the world. I would have the privilege to have them as my children in this lifetime.
After talking Brandon got behind me, laid his hands on my head and gave me a blessing. During the blessing I begged God to be blunt and straight forward with me. I was told that Heavenly Father has heard all my questions and concerns. Which meant a lot to me, since this is such a big decision. Then He went on to tell me to submit my will to His. Make my desires second to His which will bring me more happiness and joy as my goals and all that I’ve been striving to reach will unravel. He talked about how financial means will be taken care of in a way that will be above and beyond what we need as long as we take care of all our minor debt immediately. It was then that I heard what I was hoping and scared to hear. I was told that we may at this time start trying for a family and that He would sustain our decision. My heart skipped a beat with excitement and anxiety. We were also informed that if we wanted to wait just a LITTLE longer we would be sustained in that decision as well. I was told to be at peace and be still. I was also informed that I would know what decision to make through much prayer on my own and with my sweet husband. That we would see the plan behind the decision and understand it.
That night I went to sleep with a lot on my mind. The next morning I woke up with a prayer in my heart. I had two strong thoughts fighting each other. One thought was I’m scared to death. The other one was trust God as He told me to put all fear and doubts aside. As I prayed I remembered how I was told that if I wanted to wait a little longer He would sustain me; but, I had a very strong feeling that I wasn’t to wait much longer. I asked if it would be alright if we waited just long enough to finish off the special condoms we had purchased. I felt a strong peaceful feeling that it was alright.
As I have continued to pray, I’ve asked that I would have a stronger change of heart to know when the right time would be. I know I’m young and I know it’s a big change, but at the same time I would love to have a family and I need to trust God as I have trusted Him in the big decisions I have made in the past. My mission was a trial that turned into a two year trust blessing. Then there was the move to Vegas. That moved me to the other side of the country to my family all on my own. Though I was excited for the new adventure I was scared to death to make such a large decision. Despite the anxiety, I trusted my Father in Heaven and it was one of the best decisions I’ve made for it led me to my true love. If Heavenly Father wants me to start a family sooner than I was prepared for, I will trust Him and raise a righteous family with my loving husband in which the priesthood blessing highly complimented.
Last night I had a dream of having a baby boy and watching him grow up. I haven’t had a pregnancy dream in years. There was a time in my teenage years that I had 5 consecutive dreams of being pregnant. One of which I had a baby girl and watched her grow up. I woke up this morning craving the idea of having a child. With praying and talking to Brandon I have come to believe that was my answer that it is time to start trying soon. I have come to find my desire to have a child grow as the hours and days pass by.We will finish off our condoms, but I believe that despite our plans they have been changed once again by the one who sees the bigger picture and we will soon start our family. With excitement and fear we rejoice to announce that we will soon be trying to become an ounce larger than before.
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