Love life vs the Single life

     I know I'll meet him when the time is right....but I'm feeling so lonely tonight. I know it sounds dumb.... And it's like your personal time is standing still while everyone else's love life time table is moving forward. I know there's a plan ahead of me. I know there's a proper time for everything. I know I'm not meant to meet him right now. I know everything is in God's timing. I trust God. It's not that I "need" a guy. I just want that love. I want that passion. I want to love someone without feeling like it's wrong. I want to hold hands with him without looking around to make sure no one is looking. I trust God. I do. I want to be proud to be someone's, and proud that they're mine. I will love that man with all of me. All my heart mind and soul. i will give all that I can. Same to when I have kids. And I don't doubt that God knows that and has big plans for me in that direction. I kind of wonder if God's reasoning behind me not meeting him yet, is because I will be so busy next semester with school, work and internship that I wouldn't have time to give myself in a relationship. That's my conclusion for now that keeps me going. I keep coming up with "reasons"...but in the end, I feel like they're just excuses that keep my mind at ease keeping me from giving up hope. All my friends, even the ones that never cared about finding love, are married and having kids. It's hard. Really! I've had people in my life that wanted to fill that role, but the feeling was never there. Every time I prayed about it, I got a distinct no.

     And my mom, was right about a guy I was "seeing / not seeing". I looked at him, and said directly, no. I said no romantic stuff like, at all. I think I just kept hanging on to what we had because it was someone that wanted me. But it wasn't fair to either of us. And even though I kept saying nothing would ever happen, I still kept leading him on. And that wasn't right of me. Though I wasn't happy to hear it, I needed to. So, thank you mom.

I think even though I constantly have the faith that God will lead me in the right direction (as I let Him) and I will one day meet him...I think there is a part of me that doubts and hurts and feels lonely. Again, it's not that I NEED a man...it's just a part of me that I've always longed for. I've loved love, since as long as I can remember. I know it'll all be worth it and I'll think all my complaining will be worthless and dumb.

     

I just hope my time table will turn on soon in that direction. But I am grateful for what I do have right now. I just hope my time table will turn on soon in that direction. But I am grateful for what I do have right now. I'm grateful for the job that I'm getting at Ford. I'm grateful for the opportunities I've had filming. I'm grateful for my friends and family that I have. I'm grateful for my beliefs and my testimony. I'm grateful for the constant everyday blessings. I'm grateful for my life. I have so much to be grateful for. I'm not trying to be pessimistic. It's just one of those harder nights, you know? I will get through this. I will! I might fall, cry and doubt every now and then....but I will always get back up on my feet, put on a smile and hope once more. Sometimes I wish I had someone to just fill in until I meet him. But every time I try to go that direction, it always ends in heart ache and bad feelings. I know I can't go that direction. single and strong, right? Single and powerful, right? I keep trying, and I will keep trying. one day I will overcome these obstacles and find the one I'm meant to be with. But until then, I need to keep my chin up and do all that I can to pursue my career and become the woman that God needs me to be and who I want to be, who I want a man to fall in love with, and who I love being.