Anxiety Attack Yet Still Moving Forward

Life is moving forward, slowly but surely. Saturday around 2pm I met up with my Home Teachers from the Spanish Trail ward. They shared with me the story of Joseph Smith asking God where He was while he was in jail. Though they didn’t share this quote, the Spirit did, “Thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.” I need to remember that if I endure this with faith I can allow God to strengthen me when these difficult situations pass. They ended up giving me a blessing that helped me know God was proud of me for searching the scriptures dilig

ently and how I need to continue to do that. He continued on telling me how much God knows me and knows the struggles I’m going through.

Later on I was on the phone with my mom and told her about how I was shadowing IzzoPro Videographers later that day. She advised me to forget everything I was stressing about and just focus on having fun and learning. So that’s exactly what I did; and, for the first half of the shadowing was great! I was focused and having fun! Later on during the reception I noticed my heart was pounding…hard! I tried to ignore it. But, it started to get stronger along with my anxiety. I texted my mom hoping for some guidance. She thought that since I had been hard core stressing about those five things (listed in blog titled – Being 100% Responsible) that now that I was having fun, my anxiety took over. It also didn’t help that the music was way too loud and it was extremely chaotic and crowded that you could barely breathe.

No matter the difficulties I decided to stick it through and stayed the entire time. I didn’t quit. On the way home, I felt anxious but worked on calming down through breathing exercises. It didn’t help that my GPS took me the long way home through the strip where cars were honking and squeezing through each other.

When I got home I was exhausted! I put Jinx (my cat) outsi

de my room in the hallway (otherwise he’d scrape my blinds, claw the carpet, etc at 2 in the morning and wake me up), shut the door, read a chapter in the Book of Mormon, then fell asleep (as best I could with my anxiety).

2 ½ hours later at midnight thirty I woke up to my cat trying to get into my room. He’s figured out the door handle. So waking up like that initiated a strong pulse of anxiety. Eventually I went and put him in his kennel outside my room. Breathing heavily I closed my room door and got back into bed doing everything I could to calm myself back down. For a while I heard him trying to get out of it. One would thi

nk that something so little wouldn’t be such a big deal; but, when anxiety has been building for 3 days, anything small or large can trigger a large attack.  This sharp pain was building in my chest along with an aching burn. My mind then went to my Doctor appointment on how people with my test results could possibly have heart attacks. Of course, that didn’t help my anxiety. I was having a strong anxiety attack – I felt so alone.

I tried a downloaded app of a meditation to help calm and relax me. No help. I texted a long time friend that lived in Utah and he was up even though it was almost 2am his time. He asked if I needed to talk and I quickly responded that I did; but, when he called I couldn’t talk. It took me a while to get a word out. I don’t know if it was because I was exhausted mentally and physically or because my anxiety and pain were so strong. I didn’t have the strength to speak. Eiether way, I struggled so much to say anything. I finally was able to say a few things. As time went on, I was able to express a little how I felt and shared a little bit; but, it never became easy to speak. Throughout the night, I begged Heavenly Father for help. This friend really helped. He listened when I cried and acknowledged how I was feeling and what I was saying; but, he talked to me – asking me questions. He helped my mind go astray from my anxiety. Through my friend, Heavenly Father allowed me to receive peace and was able to fall asleep without pain in my chest.

I woke up Sunday morning with anxiety beating my heart out. It wasn’t as bad as the night before, but still enough to worry me. I met up with my bishop an hour before church started. My emotions were shot. I was a waterfall in there speaking with him. He definitely agreed I needed to move and said he’d help. He advised me to focus on Christ during church and forget my pain so I could feel the Spirit (same as how my mom advised me to forget my worries and focus on the shadowing). At church, I’m away from the world. He was right and that mindset really helped me. He also advised me to search for both a job and housing and not wait for one or the other. Once one is found, then I could plan the other around it.

I realized that I should possibly find a place this week. It’s almost the end of the month. If I move in November I’d have to pay double – once here and once at the new place. I have a week of October left; so, if I find a place to move, I’d have to do it this week and I’d have to give my homeowner my weeks’ notice. She’ll probably yell at me. I’m scared, but as explained in my last post, she DID advise me to look for another place; so, she shouldn’t (doesn’t mean that she won’t) get made. If I do move this week, I'll need help from both the Spanish Trail and whichever ward I move into (if I move into another ward). I pray so hard that I'll find a place asap!  

I need to have trust. My mom sent me this post about trusting God titled, “The Powerful Metaphor that Taught Me to Trust My Savior no Matter What.” It really gave me strength to keep moving forward no matter my circumstances and to trust God no matter what. Click Here to visit the link to read the article.

Wish me luck! Keep me in your prayers please!