I have had a lot on my mind lately. I wrote a long journal entry and had an interesting experience over this past week.
Ever since I have lived here in Nevada at, the homeowner that I live with has found multiple reasons to lecture and advise me – whether it as concerning my parking, or throwing a chicken container away wrong. When she came in about throwing that away, she got REALLY upset and then started acting victimized using her health as a problem because of it.
About two weeks ago I was going to cook some chicken in the oven. When I opened it up, there was already a pan in there. (You could definitely tell it had been used). I set it on the counter thinking whoever used it would see it and wash it. Later that week, a note from the homeowner was put by it saying whoever used that needed to wash it as she is not the maid. That was there for maybe 4-5 days. Then a week ago she came into my room and said that I need to go downstairs and wash my pan. She accused me of not cleaning my pan. First of all, that’s not the pan I used. And the one that I did use, I scrubbed that thing so it was sparkling afterwards.
Of course, I got defensive and didn’t handle it as well as I should have. She didn’t even ask, just assumed and accused me. I make mistakes sure; but, I clean up my mess and I don’t deserve that. She obviously went on to use her health in defending her behavior, making me feel like I was making her more sick.
It’s been a week and a half since then and I was still flustered about it. On Tuesday I went and talked to my roommate about it. She was gone on vacation when it happened. She advised me to talk to her about it. I do not like confrontations. I later talked to my mom and she told me not to wait for the next incident but to go in and talk to her. I tried to ignore and avoid that solution. My mom even brought up maybe keeping my eyes and ears open for a new place. I prayed for guidance on what to do. I knew I had to do something, for I had this unsettling feeling in my heart.
Wednesday evening at institute the lesson was on how to be 100% responsible. There was an anti-responsibility list that showed what you might be doing to avoid your responsibilities. This list included:
- Blaming others
- Rationalizing / Justifying
- Making excuses
- Minimalizing / Trivializing
- Hiding
- Covering up
- Fleeing from responsibility
- Denying / lying
- Rebelling
- Complaining / Murmuring
- Finding fault / getting angry
- Making demands & entitlements
- Doubting / losing hope / giving up / quitting
- Indulging in self-pity / victim mentality
- Being indecisive / spiritual stupor
- Procrastination
- Allowing fear to rule
- Enabling
I realized that I was doing a majority of these things by NOT confronting and communicating with her. I got my answer loud and clear three times that I needed to talk to the homeowner (Roommate, Mom, and institute).
Thursday I prayed so hard for the courage and strength to talk to her. I rehearsed what to say. Though I trusted God, I was scared to go talk to her; but, I trusted God enough to not back down. As my mom said, I couldn’t allow her to bully me anymore.
After saying a prayer and rehearsing, 11am Thursday morning I went in to her room and talked to her. I started off asking that she’d let me finish before saying anything. I then went on to say how I didn’t appreciate being accused and such. Also brought up how she always uses her health and points fingers; but, I also explained that I understood how she felt about wanting a household that did their part and were honest. I came to find out she asked everyone else about the pan. In a surprised manner I explained that I deserved the same respect of being asked instead of accused. I told her I’m an honest person and would always answer with the truth. But I continuously asked her to not accuse me. She continuously dodged that topic. She also kept bringing up how she trusted everyone else and they all told her it wasn’t them. I had to keep reiterating that it wasn’t my fault if someone else isn’t taking responsibility and I shouldn’t be accused of it. It’s not my fault for someone else’s mistakes.
I was shaking. I did my best to stay calm. Then she started raising her voice, and though I tried to stay calm, I got frustrated how she kept coming up with so many excuses and avoiding the true subject of the conversation and blaming me! So yes, my voice raised as well as some tears came out. I tried to quickly calm back down. During the middle of our conversation, she said that maybe I should find another place to live. I think she said it out of frustration of the moment – avoiding this conversation any further – but I took it as a hard memory. And as usual, she continuously blamed her health on these situations making me feel as if I was making it worse and going to kill her cause of a heart attack.
Throughout the entire conversation I noticed so many signs of the anti – responsibility list that she was using:
- Blaming others
- Rationalizing / Justifying
- Making excuses
- Covering up
- Hiding
- Denying
- Finding fault
- Making demands / entitlements
- Giving up / quitting
- Victim mentality
- Procrastination
She avoided much of what I said. By the end of the conversation, I promised I would continuously do my best to do better IF she promised to not accuse me anymore. She FINALLY agreed.
When I came home into my room (after hearing her go on about her health for another 30 minutes) I was completely shaken up and on the verge of more tears; but, I was glad I talked to her. That advise about leaving to a new home stuck with me though.
I went to bed that night with a lot on my mind. I saw a room for rent at $400 and would accept my cat. Was that a sign? Also, I was going to get the results from the medical tests the next day.
Then there’s yesterday / Friday. I woke up with the world on my shoulders. I called my mom and told her everything on my mind:
- Staying / Moving
- My health – test results
- My neck – ticks
- Dating
- Work / Money
Let’s start with the first one:
- Staying or moving – I have a roof over my head, where I have a decent amount of space to live (nice sized room with furniture). Cheap rent and allows my cat. But, I feel under pressure here like I’m under a magnifying glass. My anxiety is always so high. I feel like I can do no good in the homeowner's eyes. Not a very healthy environment. But is that enough to move? That costs extra amounts of money.
- My health / Test results – I was on my way to the doctor to get the results. My health has always limited me and has kept me from dating sometimes. I was scared to get more bad news.
- My neck / Ticks – I feel like they’re not getting any better. Sometimes getting worse. My neck won’t loosen up.
- Dating – I know Heavenly Father promised me I would meet him this year and I trust that. But what do I need to do to find him? Do I need to move in order to find him?
- Work / Money – He had me quit my job at regal so I could pursue my career. So far I’m only getting paid $50 each time I go out with IzzoPro (Danielle & Mario). Then, they said by the end of November they would decide if they wanted to keep me and make me their second shooter / assistant. So my nerves are shot about that. Then there’s the whole fact on how I don’t have any money and I can’t keep using my parent’s money. And every time I think of getting a temp job or I try to, it feel wrong or doesn’t work out.
I was on the verge of tears all day. I let a little crying happen, but not much. At the doctor appt, I found out that a lot of me is healthy…except for the following:
- Immune System
- Yeast infection
- Cardiovascular (genetic)
- Hormonal (in the brain – also genetic)
And these vitamin levels were low:
- B12
- Folate
- CoQ20
- Vitamin D
- Omega
There’s a 6 month program that could help me and is a hand holding program; but, it’s a little more than $5,000. Neither me or my parents have that kind of money. So then, that was on my shoulders.
Later in the evening after finishing an episode of a show I’m watching, I felt very inclined to talk to Heavenly Father. I turned off my computer, shut my door and kneeled by my bed. I kneeled there as my emotions started building up. I cried so hard to my Father. I described in my prayer how my life is an empty page moving forward – unwritten with a lot of scribbled writing for my past. I asked Him to help me write the next pages of my life. I cried SO hard to Him about everything. Everything that I felt was weighing me down. My heart was so full of grief that I couldn’t let go without His help. I begged Him for His help. I told Him that I couldn’t do this on my own – cause I can’t. I begged for guidance and peace.
Towards the end of the prayer I remembered how my mom advised me to pick one item and stick to it with prayer and such. My mind went to moving. I asked if I should move from this house. I felt that I should read in the Book of Mormon. As we know, I get a LOT of my answers through the scriptures. I ended my prayer with a calmer feeling.
I decided to do as I did on my first mission when I needed an answer. With a pen and paper, write down questions, pray and study and ponder the scriptures. In my spiritual journal I wrote the question, “Should I move to a different home here in Nevada?”
I opened up to Alma 46:15 – “And those who did belong to the church were faithful; yea, all those who were true believers in Christ took upon them, gladly, the name of Christ, or Christians as they were called, because of their belief in Christ who should come.” I have been faithful.
I then read verse 16 – “And therefore, at this time, Moroni prayed that the cause of the Christians, and the freedom of the land might be favored.” Freedom would be favored. Freedom? Maybe of this feeling I constantly have while living here?
I went on to read verse 17 – “And it came to pass that when he had poured out his soul to God, he named all the land which was south of the land Desolation, yea, and in fine, all the land, both on the north and on the south—A chosen land, and the land of liberty.” I had just poured out my heart to God. It then goes on about South of the land. Should I move to South Vegas?
Verse 18 – “And he said: Surely God shall not suffer that we, who are despised because we take upon us the name of Christ, shall be trodden down and destroyed, until we bring it upon us by our own transgressions.” Heavenly Father doesn’t want me to suffer. Not suffering = move? He’s heard my prayer – sees and knows how much pain I’m in and what I’m going through.
Suddenly, the wind from my fan turned the pages and the first thing I read was Alma 48:15 – “And this was their faith, that by so doing God would prosper them in the land, or in other words, if they were faithful in keeping the commandments of God that he would prosper them in the land; yea, warn them to flee, or to prepare for war, according to their danger.” By my faith, He will guide me and help me and warn me to flee (move?) according to my danger (being bullied?)
In verse 8 I read, “Yea, he had been strengthening the armies of the Nephites, and erecting small forts, or places of resort; throwing up banks of earth round about to enclose his armies, and also building walls of stone to encircle them about, round about their cities and the borders of their lands; yea, all round about the land.” I have been in the process of being strengthened by God. I really wonder what He has in store for me!
Searching some more I came upon Alma 45:3-8 – “And Helaman said unto him: Yea I believe.And Alma said again: Believest thou in Jesus Christ, who shall come? And he said: Yea, I believe all the words which thou hast spoken. And Alma said unto him again: Will ye keep my commandments? And he said: Yea, I will keep thy commandments with all my heart. Then Alma said unto him: Blessed art thou; and the Lord shall prosper thee in this land.” I believe ALL of this with my whole heart. Prosper me in this land = NV? I was promised I’d meet my guy this year and I’m living in NV. Also prosper = money?
I then read verse 18 – “And when Alma had done this he departed out of the land of Zarahemla, as if to go into the land of Melek. And it came to pass that he was never heard of more; as to his death or burial we know not of.” Departed.
Leave?
By this point I realized I hadn’t read one thing about staying. With a prayer in my mind I asked if this was my answer or if I should keep looking. I then opened up to Alma 29:6-7 – “Now, seeing that I know these things, why should I desire more than to perform the work to which I have been called? Why should I desire that I were an angel, that I could speak unto all the ends of the earth? Was Why do I keep looking when I got my answer? Well ok then haha!
I’ve had mixed feelings ever since then. I don’t know where He’s going to send me; but, as I have learned from my mission and from the move out here I must go and do as the Lord commands. Maybe this move will direct me to my future husband. Maybe not. Maybe it’ll just be to help me feel more comfortable while I’m at home. No matter what the reason is, I will act on this answer. I’m meeting up with my bishop on Sunday before church and my Home Teachers are meeting up with me tomorrow and will give me a blessing. Though my mind is racing, I don’t feel like crying. Peace has been given, I just hope I can do what is right in the sight of God.
My life is in God’s hands. I need to trust Him.
Here is the site of the institute lesson I had on Wednesday:
Be 100% responsible by Lynn G. Robbins
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